Struggling with doing nothing

Doing nothing should be easy. Right? You just stop for a while and let everything else disappear. Nothing is left but a feeling of serenity embracing you. But, is it really so easy? Are you struggling with it too?

Multitasking is a no

I admit, I am terrible with doing nothing. The never ending list of things I must do, should do or would like to do is constantly spinning in my head. I never feel I have done enough because there is always more I could do. Like when I am reading a goodnight story to my kids and I do it so automatically, I do not even know what I read, because I was thinking about something else that needs to be done that evening or next day at work ...

I do not like myself much for doing things like this, because I am not really present at that moment and I am not enjoying what really matters. My kids are growing up so fast. How many goodnight stories are left to be read to them before they will be too big for them and they will not wont to cuddle before saying goodnight?

Doing nothing is not a bad thing

Do you ever feel doing nothing is a bad thing? When I go for a walk through woods to have a time for myself I never let myself to stop and enjoy the moment. I am on a mission to walk. If I would stop for a second, I would be »afraid« somebody might see me doing nothing, so I continue fast. Isn't that stupid?

Schedule time to do nothing

I am actually on a few days’ vacation right now. This should be a time to pause, time to do nothing. The reality is, I have made myself a list of things I must do or should do, things I did not have enough time before this vacation and need to be done. Somewhere among the tasks that need to be done I completely forgot what the essence of vacation is. I need to stop, I need to plan the time for doing nothing the same way I plan everything else. And you know what? I need to set higher priority to that. If I am sincere, there are tasks on my list way less important or urgent, so they can wait and the world will not fall apart because of that.

Be prepared to take advantage of not planned opportunities to do nothing

I have done my domestic chores planned for the evening, there is still some time left before starting going to bed routine and kids are playing by themselves in the room. What now? I promise myself I will no longer quickly clean something I haven't planned; I will not aimlessly walk around the house or start pushing the kids to bed a little earlier. Next time this happens, I will go quickly to my room, shut the door, close my eyes for a minute or two, breathe away the stress and just practice the art of doing nothing.

If you share my struggle, I ask you now, to shut down the computer, the phone and your eyes and give yourself a gift of doing nothing right now. 

Do I dare to expose myself for something I believe in?

Writing down your thoughts can be really powerful. It helps slowing them down, structuring them; look at them from another perspective. It really is a waste of time turning around and around the same thoughts in your head again, again and again.

I am in situation right now, where I cannot decide what to do. My heart says do it, but my logical, rational, safe player’s head is definitely against it. Yes. No. Yes. No ... The dilemma is in my head throughout the day – it wakes me in the morning, accompanies me through the day, it keeps me awake at night. To stop this vicious circle I decided to start writing about it and see if this can take me to the decision. Just write...

I work for a company that was doing quite good despite the recession. There were ups and downs, some decisions I did not like over the years, but overall, it was ok. We are quite young collective, the positive energy and enthusiasm were our brand mark we were proud of. We were family oriented, tried to find the ways to help the community, nature.

We got a new CMO with ambitious goals to achieve two months ago and things started to change very fast. Suddenly we became numbers that need to produce numbers. Just do it, don't ask how. Family is not important, business 24/7, how people feel is not important. The numbers are everything.

People started to feel incompetent, scared and frustrated. In all this one man stood up and publicly expressed what we were all silently thinking about and started an action to establish trade union in our company. He connected with other independent unions. This was huge.

First reaction from majority was YES! That's it. We need to step together, the power is in masses. But then doubt and fear stroked. If I join, will they fire me? Not directly of course, but will they find something ... I have a family, a mortgage...

Do I dare to expose myself for something I believe it is the right thing to do?

I keep asking myself, how will I feel after all this is behind me one way or another knowing, I did duck, play safe, did not gather the courage to stand for one of my core beliefs:

Every human deserves to be treated respectfully and no power in the world should give a person the right to violate basic personal rights of another human being.

Our ancestors fought for these rights, why are we so scared to use them?

They say that life is not fair. Should this be an excuse for our own actions?

I hope not. It should be on us to help to make the world a better place. To make it fairer.

With all this said I feel I would be the biggest hypocrite, if I would not support this person in pursuit for fairness. But this realization does not make my decision any easier. They say select your battles carefully. Has this »battle« a chance to be won? Is this question even important?

What do you think? You are not directly involved; you are not emotional about it. I would be really, really happy to hear your thoughts on this matter in comments below.

It's not personal, it's business. Is it?

One of my colleagues got fired yesterday. He climbed the corporate ladder from the lowest position to the director level. He was competent.  He had a big picture. The best business advice I ever got was from him. The only »drawback« was his openness. He was the one that stood up and told the truth even when nobody else did. He cared. He wanted to have things done, the right way, the good way.  

We got a new CMO two months ago and he didn't like his openness, so he fired him. I am sure, it was not personal for him, but was that good for the business? This made me remember one of the biggest business lessons I got at the beginning of my career.

In my twenties I had a coworker that I really connected to. She was a little older then I, more experienced and we became good friends, or at least I thought so. When I was to cover for her during her longer vacation, I took over bigger task that arrived two days before her departure. I thought if I will have to take it over the next day anyway, why not do it right now and not burden colleague with it just before leaving.  I couldn't be more wrong. She felt I was trying to take over her position and she has hardly spoken to me afterwards.  I was shocked, tried to correct this, although I never understood, what was so wrong I did. It was not personal, it is business she said.

I have never forgot this lesson and I have lived personal life completely separated from my business life. But guess what, that was not ok as well.

By trying so hard not to make business personal, I did something else too. I didn't really deeply care about it. I did not allow myself to. It was just a job. A paycheck. I made it sure that passion would not be part of this equation.  Subconsciously I believed that if I would enjoy the business that would be wrong. And all these years I was surprised, I was never really happy at my job and I couldn't progress from the position I had. I was always doing a good job, but that was it. I was stuck and unhappy. Only now I can see that. People felt there was something missing. It was my passion, possibility to inspire others.

This was huge realization for me. It actually hit me while I was writing this post. 

It is not enough to do job well to be really successful in it. If I want to be more than just a good mediocre, I have to put me in it. It needs to fire up my passions. It needs to fulfill me.  

It needs to be personal. 

It is actually quite funny, that I set down decided to write a post about my colleague who got fired for being passionate about his job and I ended up demystifying one of my core beliefs. I am just beginning to understand now, how powerful writing down your thoughts can be. I challenge you to try it and see what happens.

Will it be as good as I dreamed it will be?

THE QUSTION that I tried not to ask myself every few minutes since last Saturday – will it be as good as I hoped. Will I be thrilled or disappointed? What if I lose a dream I was dreaming for a long time. The dream that one day I will realize. One day...

What if this »one day« actually comes and it turns out not to be as perfect as you dreamed, hoped for?

What if this was the only thing you thought could be THE ONE? What if everyone in your life that ever doubted in your dream were right? Would that mean I was dreaming the wrong dream or the opportunity was really not the right one? Should I look for a new dream or should I look at this as an obstacle on my way to success and be even more determinate? Crazy, I know ... 

When I contacted the lady that will be organizing creative workshops for kids in our town and she invited me to join her it was a huge thing for me. I wrote about it in previous post. I know this is not a rocket science, but this was something I wanted to do for so long but found so many excuses not to do it: timing is not right, how can I do it alone, kids are too small, I don't have enough time, I am not capable enough ... Sounds familiar?

I got my first opportunity!

Ok, small, but never the less, the opportunity. Is this my “one day”? The day the life of my dream is dependent on? 

Yesterday was the first day of workshops. Not many kids came, but the ones that decided to join were really passionate about it and we had a really great time. I think, I was probably enjoying it even more then the kids were. It was not all perfect, I would change some things but for the first day it was ok.

The most powerful realization for me happened after everything was over, and I set down in my quiet room.  I knew then I actually would really, really, really love to do this for real. I can not wait next week. It was that good. I was so full of energy, I couldn't even sleep tonight. So many ideas, what else we can create together, how to reach more kids with love for creating and help them explore and grow their passion. And not just kids ...

I just need to hold that tiny little annoying voice of mine asking me too many questions, doubting it all, resisting the change under control.

This does feel right.                  

I should learn to trust my feelings, shouldn't I?

  

So ... what do I do? What is the best way to answer this question?

Well ...  I work at Telecommunication Company where I try to make communication between the company and customers better ... This was my short clumsy answer to the question, I never really knew how to answer. I dreaded it and just tried to get over it as soon as possible. Not good according to Scott Dinsmore from LYL.

 »Just because you work a sales job you can’t wait to leave doesn't mean you ever have to talk about it.« 

First of all, I do like what I do to certain extend, but if I truthfully think about it, I NEVER really felt, this is me. One little part of me yes, but am I genuinely excited about it? NO. If I would be excited about what I do at my job, I would probably not have a problem talking about it. This really was an eye opener for me.

Another Scott's thought that made me think was that I am not my job. I do not have to talk about it, I can answer to the question any other way I wish.

»Start  identifying yourself with who you want to be and the difference you want to make.« 

I see the difference in me when I am communicating something I am passionate about. I am energetic, positive, relaxed and sometimes even funny. My body becomes alive trying to back up the words. Eyes shine and I smile. I am happy. I am not looking for the escape sign.

»Treat every interaction as a micro experiment – an opportunity for discovery«

Maybe, next time the question »What do you do?« comes up, I could make an experiment and say something like:

I help people find, explore and enjoy creative side of them.

Or maybe a longer version?

I help people find, explore and enjoy creative side of them. I love creating; I love the feeling of inner peace it brings me. I love its power to slow everyday busy life and a new fresh perspective it brings. This is what I help others to experience.

What do you thing? If we met for the first time (we actually are), would you like to find out more about me, or would you look for the escape sign? ;)

And something did happen

In the previous post I came to the conclusion, I have to make the first step toward living my passion. I had written an email to the lady that just started organizing creative workshops in our little town. I did it first thing in the morning as I said I will. It was a good thing I promised that in the blog post because I actually felt obliged to do it. No excuses.

After email was sent, I was really nervous. I was checking the email every few minutes. Of course I knew she will not reply immediately, but just in case. All possible scenarios went through my head but I kept ensuring myself, that if this was meant to happen, if the instinct was right, I just need to relax, be patient and something will happen. And it did.

The lady called me next day and accepted the invitation for coffee and creative chat. We met the same day and we totally clicked. I really love her approach toward craft and arts and I am convinced, she knows how to awaken creativity in everyone. Creating is her life and she really wants to share her passion with others but she doesn't know much about promotion, marketing or sales. Luckily for me here I come in. This is exactly what I am doing now. I can help her with that.

She also invited me to join the workshops, to help. She said she was looking for someone in this town that would have the same passion to organize workshops where people could learn and share creativity of all kinds. She was looking for help and she was actually so happy, when she read my email.

I have no idea where this will lead, but for the first time in my life I will be able to get an insight into what I thought for a longest time would be my dream life. And I do not have to quit my job to do that. I don't need to rent a place. I don't need to bother with bureaucracy. I just need to jump in and let myself experience this.

I am sooooo happy right now but at the same time a little scared too. Why? I dream of this for so long. What if ...  Well, I will try not to think about that too much. 

Looking at things from another angle

I love handcraft. I always have. I cannot imagine living without it. It has been my loyal friend through all my life, giving me energy, joy and inner peace.

I am sewing, cross stitching, crocheting, knitting, making jewelry ...  Anything goes with me. I love colors. I can get lost in them. They are my meditation. The time does not exist when creating. I love sharing and passing on this passion to my children, other children, friends and all people sharing the same interest.

It will be six years in December since I started quite successful blog in native language sharing my passion. I met some really interesting people through it, even sold few items on a side. But I always wished more; I wished there would be a way to live from my passion.

I was always told that crafting is a very nice hobby but cannot be anything more. I could not ever live from that. I would be crazy to even think about living my well paid job for it.  And I listened.

Many blog friends moved on. They opened shops on a side or are having creative workshops for children, are attending workshops abroad, learning, progressing. Not me. I am stuck.

Since I started to write this blog and really started to think about my passions, talents and skills, this tiny little voice inside me become louder again, asking me why not, why not now, when, when? Yesterday's post about how I confronted the fear of public speaking really made me think what else is possible, if I was able to do that.

When I dropped my youngest at school this morning, I noticed a poster inviting to children's creative workshops. There was no workshops like that in previous years and now this was already second one this year. The schools are really not offering a lot on this field and just when I was starting to think, that I might gather the courage to do something about that, this happened. My first reaction was that this is not fair. This was mine to be.

But then something hit me while driving to work. What if I need a good mentor like I did for overcoming the fear of public speaking? What if this is a chance to connect with people that are likeminded and are already doing exactly what I would like to do? What if this is in fact an opportunity for the next step that I was postponing for too long? Maybe I could help them, maybe we could become partners? I have two kids and obviously know a lot of other families with kids. I have friends that like my work and are supportive about it. I would be able to start with small manageable steps. Is this a window opening?

I do not know. But I do now something. If I will not take this action and I will just keep on dreaming, nothing will happen. I will send an e-mail tomorrow first thing in the morning and contact the lady. Let’s see, what will happen. There is really nothing to lose.

I did it and I still feel so proud

Do you know that feeling just before you should say something before larger public? Breathing and pulse get faster. Heartbeat is so loud it is hard to hear anything else and everything gets a little fuzzier. You start to sweat. Legs are heavy and shaky. You constantly ask yourself – will I faint in front of everybody? The logic part of you is constantly insuring you that everything is ok, but the body just doesn't hear it, doesn't care.

I work in communications and growing fear of public speaking was holding me back. I knew that. When I was pushed to have a presentation in English in front of managers on international company level, I got pneumonia. I really think I got it just because this was my only way out. I could not do it. The stress and the pressure were too much.

Somebody once told me, if you have a fear of public speaking, go out and commit to do 20 of them. Are you serious?! No way! I cannot do that! I will not do that!

BUT I knew I have to do something. At that time there was a big story in the news. A journalist pretended to be a teenage girl on one of the forums and grown men were inviting “her” to meet, not telling her how old they were. TV cameras documented how they came to the meeting point.

Few of my friends have teenage daughters and I am quite close to some of them. I also specialize in web communication and I know how naive young really are regarding communication on web. At that moment I wanted to help somehow, make a change.

I contacted an organization that was already doing that and offered them to help with my knowledge and experience. I think they were really surprised because nobody volunteered to help them before. Never the less they found a way, how I could help. I could hold lectures to parents on primary and secondary schools.

I was scared. I was not sure if I will be able to do that, but something inside me really wanted to do it. I just tried not to think about the fact that I will eventually have to go in front of the parents. I just jumped and went with the flow. I got the best mentor ever and he went with me to the first lecture, just in case. And I didn’t faint. The lecture was not my best one, I can hardly remember half of it, but it was fine. I did it and even got a thank you letter next day from the school. I survived and even more importantly I enjoyed it. Who knew! When I think back, the fact that I had supportive mentor by my side, my safety net, made a huge difference. Because he really believed in me, there was no chance I could let him down.

Since then I had approximately 20 lectures on different schools. I even returned to some because they wanted me, not somebody else. I still have stage fright before each lecture, just few minutes at the beginning but it is not nearly as bad as it was. I actually enjoy lectures so much, they feel me with energy. This year I stopped temporary because with more time on my day job and growing need to help kids with school I just didn’t cope it any more. But I learned the most important thing. Not only, that I can do it, I am enjoying it so much. This is really something that I need to build my future on.

This was the fourth day of Scott Dinsmore Blog Challenge. With every day, I feel more alive and full of energy thinking and writing these challenges. It feels, that maybe, just maybe, I can reach for the star.